It’s the new year. Big plans. What if doubling down on those resolutions… really gritting your teeth and going for it… pushing really hard… was the opposite of what really works?

Today I want to offer a magic formula, well it seems magic at first, for breaking through long time barriers and discovering a natural well of motivation and momentum. I’ll give you 3 ways to slay your goals this year and it’s definitely not what you think.

Are you hoping this is permission to just give up? Slack off?

Hell, no, my friend. This is a rally call to get you pumped, motivated and slaying it.

But not how we’ve been doing it.

Think back to your days at work. Push, push, push. Always looking ahead and feeling more behind by the minute. And then you went home to a whole new level of insanity. Never enough hours in the day.

For me, I just got totally lost in all that. Forgot the sound of my own voice. Forgot what brought me joy. Forgot how to say “I don’t want to”.

When We Lose our Voice

I heard some research the other day. At age 9, little girls are very similar to little boys. They confidently assert what game or food or whatever that they want. They own up to what they want to be when they grow up. By age 11, little girls are beginning to waffle a bit. “I think…” is used much more often than with boys. And by age 13? Girls are much more likely to respond with, “what do you think or want?”. We lose our voice in our socialized pressure to please and nurture others.

No wonder we get to 50 or 60 years old and feel lost. We’re so accustomed to just doing what needs to be done… serving others… that when life changes (which it does, right, at our age?), it feels like someone has changed not only the board in this game but all the rules too.

I was raised with the idea that looking after others’ needs would be how I stayed valuable. It’s how I earned love. My worth could be measured by the number of people who depended on me.

Is Keeping Busy Avoiding your Life?

I complained about how busy I was but secretly, I felt needed. Like I was part of something. I had no down time but that was ok. It felt pretty scary when the house got quiet and there was nothing between me and the snack cupboard. Staying busy was a great buffer so I didn’t have to really think or feel for myself.

What typically happens when you hit the hormonal tsunami of menopause, however, is that busy pace gets harder and harder to support. You’re not sleeping well, you’re not digesting and assimilating minerals well, you’ve been depleting yourself for decades now.

Looking back, I wonder what on earth I thought was going to happen?

But I honestly had no idea how menopause was going to feel. I had always held it together for everyone so I guess I assumed I always would???

Menopause is an Invitation to Reset

Here’s what I really want to share. Aging feels different than being 30. Chasing that old “burn the candle at both ends” energy is futile and self aggressive. We can be wiser. And I want to give you three ways to achieve your goals without burnout and that desperate energy.

Longtime listeners have heard me share before how, at the age of 60, I lost weight, started an online school and this podcast, calmed fractious family dynamics and welcomed the most exciting years of my life.

And this was through being kinder to myself in so many ways. That’s the simple truth.

Part of the process (I share more in my free “5 Step Midlife Reset” Masterclass) was more effectively utilizing therapeutic rest.

Here’s the typical scenario. After a full day of holding everyone else and their shit together, you finally collapse on the couch with the remote in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. This is your “down time”. Your reward for slugging it out all day. Although quite enjoyable, it is not truly supercharging your depleted battery. In fact, the action movie and alcohol may interfere with that all important sleep later tonight. I mean, you know this intellectually but you’re too damn tired to change anything about it.

Been there.

The result of decades of this coping was uncontrolled weight gain, interrupted sleep, anxiety, joint pain and just feeling like everything that felt normal before did not anymore. I didn’t fit with my friends like before. I didn’t know what to do about work. Everything kind of pissed me off to be honest.

I finally reached out and got some help. Many of those teachings are assembled in the SHE Mindfulness Program. You can get a taste of the whole approach in the free masterclass, “5 Step Midlife Reset”.

All the well meaning advice and the most fantastic tools mean nothing if you are as depleted as I was. Most of us are, girlfriend. We grind into menopause with exhausted adrenals, low grade chronic health concerns and no time to pause and take a wider look.

This is the superpower that we all have. This is what I want to hone in on today. Therapeutic relaxation.

The Power of the Pause

Hear this: relaxation will get you to your goals (be it losing weight, building a business or fixing a relationship) BECAUSE it creates a grounded state that feels connected, safe and capable.

An exhausted nervous system cannot support new learning. It can’t afford any resources to shift to better habits. It can’t grasp the new concept necessary to motivate a new behaviour.

Knowing all this, which I knew very well as a yoga therapist, you might understandably ask, “Cheryl, why didn’t you just rest more?”

It seems so clear in hindsight. I know the research. I taught the practices. I have a nice space all set up in my house.

Over the years, I have seen so many clients who had all the resources but still failed to put the tool into practice. And that’s me too.

We get so accustomed to the hamster wheel that we just don’t see the forest for the trees. That’s why I needed to reach out for help. And why you, as a powerful over achiever, may need to as well.

So if you just take a little more time on the courch with the remote, will that magically make all your dreams come true?

I’m so sorry. But no.

What I’m suggesting is that we use relaxation strategically. It’s not a free pass to slack off.

In order to achieve your dreams, you will need to show up. It will involve planning, journalling, exercising, researching, trying new things and so much more. Which sounds exhausting right?

It can be if you are just grinding away, using sheer willpower and self aggression.

What softens all that grasping energy is the self care, self compassion and gentler self talk. We find our way to this energy by taking rest.

3 Ways to Harness the Power

Here are the three ways that you can strategically insert therapeutic relaxation into your day to support motivation, momentum and lasting change.

* Mindfulness snacks

These are small breaks in the flow of your daily living that take about 5 minutes or less. One of my favourite is the 3 minute breathing space. We can practice right now together. Unless you’re driving. Comfortable seat…. Become aware of your body, sensations, thoughts, mood, energy level…. Reorient attention to movements of breath in the body…. Keeping breath in the background of your awareness, open lens to encompass all sensation, thought and emotion again. Notice any shift.

Why this works: we shift our brains from being “in the weeds” to watching the weeds. It takes activity out of the amygdala and more reactive areas of the brain to the pre-frontal cortex where our executive function lives. Literally, more of our brain become available to utilize.

Consistency is key. Regular practice trains us in the witness capability. Waiting until you are frazzled or upset is too late.

Other snacks could be a quick meditation or breathing break. The key to remember is you don’t have to jump out of your life or leave other activities entirely in order to reset your brain.

2. A Restorative Pose

My biorhythm is low energy in late afternoon. This is when we typically reach for a coffee, candy bar or glass of wine. I wanted stay on track with my health goals so I decided to give myself the gift of 15 minutes at 4 pm-ish every day.

You maybe have a favourite restorative yoga pose from class. One of the easiest things I’ve found is throwing my legs up the couch. I put an eye pillow on (I keep one in the freezer to reduce puffiness as an added bonus… this can also help some headaches). And maybe a throw pillow under my head. Maybe some soft music (or yoga chanting) on the headphones. Invite Natalie to snuggle. Set my phone timer for 10 – 20 minutes. And then just do it. Just lie there.

The first few times, other people in the house thought I was ill. Some of my clients rebel against the impression that they need a nap, like old people. Most of us feel the pressure to finish getting the day’s tasks done.

And it does feel awkward to just lie around in the middle of the day. Nothing between me and my thoughts but an eye pillow. Ack!

But I’ve come to treasure that respite. Because I have read the research on the power of the pause but to actually see how my life is reshaping BECAUSE I drop out regularly… well it’s amazing.

Why it works: As the day progresses, your unconscious or habit brain is called upon to handle more and more decision making. Brains take a lot of energy to run. And habits are more energy efficient. Trying something new is exhausting. This little recharge for the body and mind will armour you for the decisions facing you in the evening ahead. What to cook for dinner, how much to eat or drink, whether to snack, should you pick a fight with your husband… all these decisions will be more in alignment with your goals if you are slightly more rested.

3. Stretch breaks

It’s not big news that your body feels tension and gets contracted from it. Most of us associate stretching with a full yoga class or at the gym after exercise. Wonderful on both counts.

But every little worry, every sideways glance, every loud noise…. It’s all being registered and stored in your physical body.

You know hours at your desk or being locked driving long distances can leave you stiff and sore. But all this can be shifted with small movement breaks.

Not only will you ease that stiffness BUT you’ll have the amazing brain benefit of clearer thinking and more energy.

Let’s try it right now. Stand up (if it’s safe to do so) and rise up onto the balls of your feet and then lower your heels a couple times. Inhale, stretch your arms out to the sides and exhale give yourself a little hug. Swing your arms to one side and then the other a few times. Stretch to the side and then the other. Take a deep breath or two. Notice how you feel now.

Why this works: the neurochemical signature of every thought/emotion is stored in your system. This is a brilliant survival strategy. If anything like this every happens again in your life, your brain can send out the reactionary hormones much faster on automatic pilot. So there is huge vault of all the sensory experiences you have ever had in your mind. And if you ever smell that smell or hear that sound again, the body will start to react almost instantaneously. That’s A LOT of physical stuff going on unconsciously moment to moment. And the body gets weary.

A little stretching like we just did loosens up the relationships. Gives the brain newer, more pleasant and relaxing data to work with. It can stop the exhaustion that comes with all the bracing and tension.

Let’s recap.

Training your relaxation response equals easier learning, more creativity, clarity and calm. Pushing and grinding create the opposite state of mind. To achieve our goals and dreams, soften and strategically insert therapeutic rest on a consistent basis.

We talked about 3 different tools, but there are so many. The 3 minute breathing space… a restorative yoga pose and stretching breaks.

It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you remember the true reason you’re doing these things. You are nurturing yourself. Opening space for more self compassion. Working with your natural wiring instead of straining against it.

If you would like to learn more about this wisdom, 5 Step Midlife Reset is a grounded, sensible series of sustainable changes that can provide the springboard to deeper work. Get it free and watch as often as you like.