Tapas is the Yoga Secret to Being Less Busy and Feeling More Successful

So many of my friends are busy.

Exhausted.

Doing all the things — and yet somehow, not feeling satisfied… settled… or content.

One friend has had a painful shoulder that prevents her from kayaking or sleeping … no time to do the rehab. Another friend wants to lose weight but is continually derailed by her active social life. Too busy to make a food plan.

Their days are full of activity, but it isn’t intentionally oriented toward what they really want.

They take care of everyone else’s needs, react to whatever feels urgent. And then jump at the latest distraction (glass of wine, booking a trip, scrolling their phone, getting a massage) — what sounds like self care — but they choose it because they’re kinda pissed that life is so freakiin’ overwhelming. It’s payback.

But what if the problem isn’t that you need more rest, more motivation, or another break? What if the real missing piece is self-discipline — not as punishment, but as self-care?

This is about the ancient yogic concept of “tapas” (which has nothing to do with Spanish appetizers by the way) and 3 ways how this deeply passionate practice can help you ditch the exhaustion and begin deeply caring for yourself.

My friends and my midlife women clients aren’t lazy. They’re not unmotivated. They’re not “bad at follow-through.”

They are over-responsive.

They respond to:

• other people’s needs

• the loudest request in the room

• the newest idea, program, supplement, or shiny solution

• whatever feels urgent in the moment

And over time, something painful happens — They stop responding to themselves.

This is how you can be constantly busy… And still feel like you’re failing your own life.

Let’s break down the solution.

Self-care as:

• pedicures

• spa days

• vacations

• “treat yourself” moments

Those things can be lovely — of course we deserve and should seek pleasure. The issue is when we use these “fixes” to buffer the disappointment, frustration, loneliness, confusion, exhaustion and fear that are constant companions as we enter midlife.

There is more anxiety these days. You are not imagining it. Of course, it’s got to do with the large shift in hormones. Doesn’t everything???? But these distraction won’t change your life. They are just… distractions.

Even taking a yoga class… which I hope you do… can be symptomatic of what we call “spiritual bypassing”. I see this a lot in my world. People to do the practices like yoga, meditation, attend retreats… but back in every day life, they still feel fear as to how to navigate grief, anger, loneliness, boredom, relationship challenges.

I freely admit that I fell into this category for decades. There was “yoga Cheryl” and “party Cheryl”. Psychologists call the resulting confusion and conflict in my mind “cognitive dissonance”. This happens when we really believe and value one type of behaviour (like teaching yoga) but then engage in a conflicting type of behaviour (like drinking way too much wine).

Spoiler alert: this will factor into one of our 3 strategies later.

And it’s digging myself out of cognitive dissonance and lovingly embracing tapas that helped me find my direction in my 60’s. And I can help you discover what you really want and how to arrange your life to support that change through the SHE Mindfulness Program. Keep listening and I’ll explain more of the how it works.

Learn more about SHE

Truth bomb… seriously.

True self-care is structural.
It’s not about escaping your life — it’s about building one you don’t need to escape from.

Real self-care is:

• knowing what you actually want

• protecting it with your time and energy

• and showing up for the small, boring, unglamorous steps — even when no one is watching

But we think of self-discipline as:

• white-knuckling

• forcing yourself

• being harsh or rigid

• “what’s wrong with me that I can’t stick to this?”

And that, in my opinion, is more self aggression. And in what universe does yelling, name calling, threats of physical violence and denial of affection yield positive results? Sounds like old school parenting (spare the rod, spoil the child stuff).

And yet, this is how we treat ourselves when our shoulders ache in the middle of the night, rupturing our sleep cycle. Or when the scale is up again this week.

So let’s reframe self care and ditch our preconceptions about self discipline.

This is where tapas comes in.

There are five niyamas, all qualities that the ancients sought to encourage us to develop deeper relationships with.

Tapas asks us to get passionate. About ourselves and our dreams.

Think about something that really gets ya right in the heart centre. Is it your kid? Grandchild? Pet? Family cottage? Something or someone that deeply matters to you. You’d do anything for them or it. Now you’re accessing passion.

Tapas wants you to turn that passion back on yourself. That level of care, concern, awareness, motivation to support or improve. You deserve and must have that passionate gaze. And the practice of tapas connects your heart to your experience now.

Tapas is self-trust in action.

It’s the practice of not abandoning yourself.

Every time you say to yourself:

“I’ll start tomorrow”

“I’ll do it when things calm down”

“I’ll get back to that when everyone else is okay”

Every time my friend chooses to scroll to book vacations rather than do her physio, she dies a little inside. Every time my other friend watches a cat video instead of doing her daily food plan, she abandons herself yet again.

You teach your nervous system one thing:

My needs are negotiable. This isn’t my priority.

Tapas is the opposite message:

I matter enough to follow through.

Tapas is often translated as discipline, heat, or inner fire.

But tapas is not punishment. It’s the sacred heat that comes from consistent effort aligned with your values.

Tapas is what happens when you:

• commit to something meaningful

• stay present through discomfort

• and let small, repeated actions transform you from the inside out

Tapas builds confidence, clarity, and vitality — not because life gets easier, but because you become more grounded.

And discipline is getting harder to access for us. Midlife isn’t the time of unlimited energy.

You’re managing:

• hormonal shifts

• changing roles

• Brain rewiring

• Insomnia

• More joint pain

So when discipline is framed as “do more, push harder,” of course it fails.

Tapas asks something different:

What is the smallest, most sustainable action that honours the woman you are becoming?

THREE STRATEGIES TO BUILD TAPAS (WITHOUT BURNOUT)

Stop making big emotional promises to your future self.

Instead of:
“I’m going to totally eat healthy and work out every day.”

Try:
“I will show up for 10 minutes, at the same time, most days.” This might mean— and in the SHE Mindfulness program and my mindful eating course, I do recommend starting with food planning — taking 5 – 10 minutes each morning to look at the day ahead and prioritize your goals. How are you going to get in enough protein? What about when you have a zoom call through lunch? Should I check the menu at the restaurant for the going away party later?

Instead of:

“I’m going to get the house organized”, try this week, I’m organizing one bathroom cupboard per day. Next month, move onto kitchen cupboards. Before you know it, closets get on the list.

I had a client who really needed to get a better job. She felt stuck because the economy was bad, there is ageism in the workplace, she’s newer in her community so networking is tough. These are real barriers.

You know how she found tapas here? By letting go of the big picture and focusing on one small change that would feel good… yoga twice a week. How could that help with job hunting? She knows that yoga supports a healthy mind and body. Committing to practicing at home 2x per week was something totally within her power. She loves how she feels on the mat. She brought passion to her decision. Love and caring. Her nervous system responded.

My client was amazed that when she kept up her commitment to yoga, her brain almost magically began noticing coincidences and ideas that had been totally off her radar before. All of a sudden, she felt more hopeful about getting a better job and that energy came with her to her interviews. She felt more motivated to put out the feelers and resumes.

Consistency builds enthusiasm — not the other way around. Motivation comes from momentum.

Tapas grows from keeping small promises repeatedly out of love and caring.

2. Create Structure That Protects Your Energy

Discipline isn’t about willpower — it’s about design. The same skills that you would bring to bear on planning your best friend’s surprise birthday or that amazing Thai vacation, put to use on yourself.

Tapas isn’t about just the love. It’s a lot about love. But there is this fire too. A deep passion to see something birthed. A deep caring about how things turn out. We always think about looking externally to find that kind of validation or affection… but girlfriend, it’s right here for you.

I know you can do this because I’ve watched us women single handedly manage families, work teams, soccer tournaments, Sunday schools. It’s our turn, my friend. Reapply those skills in your own life.

Like any successful manager, you want to utilize the assets you have to your best advantage.

Ask:

• What time of day supports me best?

• What distractions can I remove before they derail me?

• What decision can I make once, instead of every day?

Questions like this remove friction and reduce decision fatigue. At 8 am, you can do that food plan almost effortlessly. By 5:30 pm, starving and exhausted, you have made approximately 30,000 decisions and your executive brain is toast. Who could blame you for just ordering in pizza. I don’t!

If you have that leg workout on your calendar already, and you’ve previously used tapas to bring firey passion to the goal of aging strong, then you just push go. No decision required.

Planning smart… installing structure… is a way to love yourself. To practice tapas. Don’t expect that you’ll magically develop iron willpower in the moment. Because I promise you… when it comes time to make dinner, go to the gym, do the yoga… you won’t want to. I never do! My toddler brain tries everything to distract me. I have to have a higher calling. I have to really care about my priorities. There’s passion here.

3. Track Integrity, Not Outcomes

Midlife women often quit because they don’t see results fast enough.

“Is this working yet?” Have I lost weight? Did I make 6 figures this year? Is my house all organized?

Honestly…. Who cares? Because here’s the truth. Getting the thing (whatever it is … losing weight… better job…) will not make your life perfect. You will not be happy all the time. The human mind is not wired like that. Life is not like that.

The reason that you employ tapas and make the plans and practice self discipline as self care is BECAUSE of what you learn and experience a long the way.

The more important question is “How did I show up in integrity with myself today?” What were my wins today? What went really well today? How am I feeling about myself today?

Tapas builds when your self-worth is tied to showing up, not achieving. And the nervous system doesn’t read the scale or your income slips. Your nervous system learns from those feelings of satisfaction and compassion.

Let’s recap.

True self-care is structural.
It’s not about escaping your life — it’s about building one you don’t need to escape from

This is the number one mistake I see my clients making. Escapism.

So how do you reclaim your power?

1. Make commitments that you can follow through on. I’m always preaching small steps = sustainability.

2. Create a plan that aligns with your true values. Don’t go with the crowd. You’re going to have to say no to some invites or shift the way things have always been done in service of change.

3. Reward sticking to your commitments, not the final outcome. That’s what is going to build motivation.

Tapas is an ancient practice that guides you toward a more compassionate and productive relationship with your current life.

It isn’t about becoming someone new.

It’s about coming home to yourself — again and again — through small, faithful actions.

This is tapas.

This is self-care.

And this is how busy, exhausted women begin to feel successful again — not because they did more, but because they stopped letting themselves down.

If you would like support in this sort of work, the SHE Mindfulness Program offers a structured, step by step framework to lose that weight, get more sleep or tackle those squats. Tapas is built right in.