How many times have you bought into a course or book, hoping it would make things better?  How many diets or cleanses have you jumped into thinking that this expert has that certain secret that will finally unlock the weight gain?

Only to discover that the end result is lacklustre at best… and sometimes the fall out ends up feeling like a failure yet again.  Why can’t we stick to things?  And how much longer will we beat ourselves up over it?

Is the solution to just give in?  Admit we’re getting older.  Accept life as it is?

In today’s episode, I want to shout out a resounding NO.  Let me offer the KEY reason why these fixes have not worked for you and three solid strategies for finding what will work.

Don’t Follow the Crowd

I don’t practice headstand.  Are you allowed to be a yoga teacher if you can’t hold headstand for 20 minutes?  I used to think no, but then I taught like 10000 classes and realized… I guess I’m a teacher.

But there’s a very good reason I never took to the pose.  I have an anatomically unusual neck length.  I’m very short but long necked.  This makes headstand a risky pose to hold.  It could crunch those delicate vertebrae.

What’s this got to do with why cleanses, diets and workout plans often fall flat?  Stick with me. 

If you go to traditional yoga classes, headstand is almost always part of the series.  And for a lot of people, it’s a great pose.  The ancient texts call it king of the poses. 

What the ancient texts don’t talk about is anatomy.  They talk a lot about meditation, spirituality, breathing.  But nothing about spinal anomalies.

You know why?  Because yoga was shared 1:1.  Often, a student would live with their teachers for years, yes maybe in caves.  But in this intimate arena, poses were adapted to each individual as they needed them.  Text books didn’t have to cover this stuff because it was understood that the teachings wouldn’t be doled out to 10, 20, 50 students at a time in a group setting.

So in here is your first clue.

What worked for your neighbour, sister-in-law or instagram star is not necessarily right for you.

The ancient yogis knew this.  And we’ve lost that wisdom somewhere.

As the guru developed the student’s program, it was a two way conversation.  There was constant adaptation.  Adjustment.  Listening.

When you jump into a solution that comes from an external source, it’s a one way conversation.  You’re the one listening to that external source.

Here’s my point.

Unless you have intimate access to an enlightened, wizened teacher in your house (my dog comes pretty close to be honest and I do learn a lot of yoga from her), seeking generalized advice will always lead to disharmony and ultimately abandonment of your goal.

The key problem is that you are looking outside yourself for answers.  You are the world’s expert in you.  No one, not a guru with a million followers or the doctor with lots of letters after her name, knows you better than you.

Why It’s Hard to Go it Alone

And girlfriend, we have not been encouraged to trust our own instincts.

I remember working so hard in high school to fit in.  I think all teenagers do, don’t they?  Painfully conscious of every zit.  Whether our jeans were the right brand.  Did we really just blurt that out???

The need to be liked and accepted by the tribe started way before high school was even invented.  As a human species, it could be fatal to be shunned by our people.  And this hard wiring is still very real today.

Add to this fact… most of us were parented by emotionally immature and less than full formed humans.  They passed along to us, along with grandma’s gravy bowl and those beautiful eyes, all their insecurities and worries about not fitting in.

I remember coming home from school after having an accident wetting my pants.  This happens to a lot of little kids but at the time, I only knew it happened to me.  And it was a rough day.  My mom’s reaction?  Don’t do this!  The kids will make fun of you!  Which of course they had.  Which made my nervousness worse.

You can see over time, we clearly get the picture that we need to fit in, be accepted and conform.  So if Susie has a red coat, I want a red coat.  If Debbie takes ballet, I have to take ballet.  If Bonnie is sad, I have to act sad too.

A lot of this is that hard wiring.  It’s called mirror neurons.  And it’s a part of our deep survival adaptation. 

Andrea’s Story

I had a client who sustained a painful hamstring injury.  She came to me, as a yoga therapist, to help her get back to running.  She wanted to know how to stretch the muscle and reduce the pain.

Which I can help clients do.

But yoga therapy goes deeper than that.

As we worked together, it came out that she didn’t actually love running that much anymore.  She started because her former partner was part of a club and in order to spend time with him, she ran.  And then, even though it was getting more painful every year, she kept pushing for longer and faster runs because the club members (who were a big part of her social group) did that.

Her injury had necessitated a change in her habits.  Now she was ready to address the fear of not fitting in… of being left behind… of being alone…on a deeper plane.

She went on to take up pole fitness.  Don’t laugh.  It’s a big growth sport these days and she loves it.  She feels alive when she’s dancing and loves the strength challenge of lifting upside down. 

The moral is that you don’t have to wait for a catastrophic injury to start dancing to your own beat. 

Help Seeing the Path Ahead

Sometimes it’s just so hard to see the path ahead.  There is so much noise in our complicated universe… so many products and advice.

This is where the SHE Mindfulness program really shines.  It is a comprehensive, step by step guide to resetting midlife.  It takes all the aspects from physical to mental to spiritual and puts it all together in a customized plan.  I do have a short workshop that explains the approach and 

Why It’s Tough to Stick to Things

We’re not in the jungle fighting for survival anymore.  We have time and resources to evolve to higher pursuits.  It is safe, and definitely desirable, to define our individuality.  To trust our individual instincts regarding what is supportive to our goals.

So how do we break free from this conditioning?  And it goes deep.  In some circles, it’s called people pleasing.

Here are three ways you can start marching more fearlessly to the beat of your own drummer:

1. Journal

So much of our behaviour is unconscious.  Some research suggests 95%!  And our behaviours are driven by our emotions.  We feel something and we do something in reaction.  Experiencing boredom might lead to scrolling my phone.  I didn’t plan to scroll but it was an habitual reaction to having a few open minutes.  Boredom might also lead to wandering toward the pantry to choose a quick snack.  It’s not mealtime but it just occurred to me that I feel peckish.  I’m not truly hungry but actually just reacting to that open space in my day.  Emotions drive behaviour whether you register it or not.

When you sit down in front of a blank page and commit to writing a certain amount or for a certain time, your brain will draw the emotions out from the habitual part of your brain into the pre-frontal cortex.  It makes your subconscious – well, conscious.

This method of journalling is not about complaining, dreaming or fixing.  It’s about illuminating what is actually going in at that moment.  Am I bored?  Lonely?  Hopeful?  The first three sentences are the hardest.  After that, the words flow more easily.

Handwriting is more powerful than typing for this. 

And remember, you are not writing for any other reason than to give voice to your hidden brain.  No one ever reads this.  You can burn it or rip it up right after.  It’s the exercise of journalling that produces the results.

I journal morning and evening.  Every day.  Consistency is key.

2. Makes dates with yourself.

I bet if you promise to meet a friend for lunch, you’re right on time.  I bet if you commit to leading a project at church, you rock it.  But how many times do you put yourself off?  Too busy.  Too tired.  Something came up.

I have a client who loves yoga.  She’s my biggest fan really.  But she misses most of her classes.  Because she prioritizes everyone and everything else.  She can’t relax in yoga if there is a babysitting request or someone’s moving or a good sale is on.

My client MUST start marking her yoga dates in her calendar and giving them the same power as any other appointment.  If you cancel your dental cleaning, there’s a charge.  So you don’t cancel it.  Maybe try assigning a penalty if you skip out on yourself.  Become your own rules master.

This is way more important than just getting to yoga class.  It’s about the relationship with yourself… taking responsibility…. Not waiting for external circumstances to perfectly align.

The universe reads your cavalier attitude toward your needs and provides many chances to abandon yourself.  It seems that’s what works for you.  So don’t let it work for you anymore.  Put down your foot. 

Which brings us to #3:

3.  Boundaries

This is really a whole podcast on its own.  But for today, let’s just practice how to say no, lovingly, when you have something scheduled, like a yoga class, and a dear one offers you something else to do.

Let’s practice together.  Here’s a real life example from my world.  I love my grandsons and would love to spend more time with them.  I get a last minute text that there is a baseball game tonight at 6.  BUT I work till 5:30 and have a healthy dinner to cook when I get home.  And I take a 30 minute walk after dinner for digestion.  I COULD grab takeout on my way home and make the game, skip the walk.  And then spend time with my kids.  BUT that means abandoning my healthy habits.  What does it matter?  Just this once!

Hmmmm.  This is a tough one that gets me right where it hurts.  There is no right answer.  And many of you will judge me for the one I choose.

I choose me.  My healthy commitments to myself.

My kids are amazing.  My boy will kill it at the game.  They don’t really need me there.  And as much as I would love to be part of their world, at the end of the day, I face myself … just me alone…. In the mirror.  Am I looking tired?  Is my digestion upside down again?  My choice is to wait until a time with the family that works for everyone.  And look after my own wellbeing as a number one priority.

It feels scary just saying that out loud.  Selfish.  But this is hard won wisdom, my friend.  Continually putting others first is draining, unrewarding and lonely.  You wait for your turn and it never really shows up.

Be The Boss of your Own Life

Make your own rules.  Run your own life.  Stop copying what someone else does or what the celebrity of the week says is life changing.

When you start taking back your own life, you invest in activities and projects that are meaningful to you.  And you have confidence that you will complete them because you know how to prioritize and set boundaries.

If any of this resonates, I would love to talk more about applying this in your life.  I have a masterclass you might find interesting that called “Midlife Weight, Sleep and Confidence without Diets, Drugs or Burning Out”.  I’ll get you started on three basic steps that will help you reset your life.  Get free, instant access .

Until next time, please share this podcast with a friend who needs a boost.  Like and subscribe so I know what content inspires you.